What I've Become

I wake up in the morning and try not to see

What has become of the man who was once me

A man ever strong, ever proud, ever free,

But now, a puppet I hang, my strings make me be,

To wake up each day and think only of you,

The pain of losing you fills my being.

Till all I am, is this wooden puppet.

And yet I hang, I smile.

I put on my mask, the mask that is me

The me everyone around me sees,

The one they assume me to be.

The  mask makes me no hero, no guardian

It imprisons me, clinging to me

I pull on my cape and make some try

To be the light, to soar, to fly

And yet I fall, I bleed.

I walk along beside you, glancing at you,

You turn around but still you don’t see,

You stare right through me,

A ghost I am, pale and cold,

A ghost to you, my world,

I stare at you, hoping to be heard,

But who can hear a spirit from another world?

And yet I wait, I whisper.

Goodbye you said to me once,

And from that day, The sky’s been dark

No sun, no moon, no stars for me

A statue I’ve become, the life fades from me,

A lifeless block of stone, with a face carved into me

My heart torn out, only granite is within me,

Who could love a block of stone? You, I’d hoped.

And yet I remain, I stare

All that you were to me is now worth nothing.

I to you, am nothing, you to me, are everything,

I would give anything to be with you again,

But how can I give anything, when all I am is a void,

A void devoid of joy, of happiness, of self.

Someone who is nothing, a mere remnant of someone

The one who was there for you, the one who loved you

And yet I live, I cry.

The Closed Window

I look in, not out

Of a place where I used to be,

A place of peace and warmth,

Now I stand outside the window

Shivering in the chill of the night,

The fire inside burning bright,

The fire I once started, once sat by,

I see it from the outside, I cry

A place where once there was a need of me,

A place which was once no place without me,

Where I spent my time with ones who wanted me,

People who looked forward to days with me,

Now I fight for them to spend days with me,

I beg them to want me,

A place that is only a place without me,

A place where they have no need of me.

I stand in the rain outside,

The rain pouring down, embracing my tears,

As I remember the embrace of the ones within,

The warmth of their eyes, as they looked at me,

Now the coldness of their gaze cuts just as deep

They wish I were somewhere else,

But I have nowhere else.

To run and hide, I stand and cry.

I look back on what that was,

How they were, and how I was,

I wonder in vain where I went wrong,

The past offers no answers, only questions

Ones I wish had never been asked,

I wonder if it were I who was wrong,

Whether even then, I could just not see,

That which was clear to see.

Now I look in, wishing for them to see

The me behind this sorrowful face,

The me that once was theirs,

The voice that I hide behind my silence,

A silence that speaks more of whats within that anything else,

I know they see, I wish they hear,

But what can they do, the windows still closed,

And shall ever be, to keep out the cold.

The windows closed, but now I see,

My reflection on the glass, looking in at me.

I tear my eyes from that pale shade and look around.

I am inside where it is warm, the fire burns beside me.

My reflection shivers in the glass, the cold outside,

But I am where I always was, inside.

My eyes widen as I realize my mistake,

I close them, a breath I take.

So quick was I to self-pity,

To run and beg for sympathy.

The gazes were never cold, nor was I never needed,

The window was not around them, but me instead.

The window closed to keep out the cold,

But instead it was keeping in the cold.

I open it now, the air flows in, bringing warmth, joy,

The cold gaze was always mine, never theirs.

The window is open now, and shall always be,

The warmth of the room clear for me to see,

The place I thought I was never again to be,

Seems vibrant, joyous to me,

I look into their eyes, and I feel their love,

But there is a task left to do.

I walk over to the window, where my reflection gazes in,

I smile, and it smiles back at me.