Why I was away..

Hey.. I guess I should explain my lengthy absence. After a rather turbulent few months, I've finally settled down again in life. Everything's good, the sun's shining again etcetc..
All my creative energies are directed however, to my book, which I am in the process of writing. Hopefully I can get it into some semblance of completion by the end of my holidays.. So my dear reader(s) I won't be updating this blog very often. Do check back every now and then though.. 
Storms never stay calm for long....
UPDATE: My book's up to 20000 words now. Just another 80000 or so to go :D

In Loving Memory...

This is a departure from my usual style. What is below is not my work, but rather the lyrics to a beautiful song by alterbridge called "In Loving Memory". Its been in my head a lot lately. I strongly recommend you listen to it, it truly is wonderful.

Part 1:
Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly
Bridge:
I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see
Chorus:
And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me
Part 2:
I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me
Bridge:
I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone
{To Chorus}
I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still
And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will

My Angel

My voice dies.

When I needed it the most, it failed me.

My soul failed to move that which was before me.

My words failed to matter to the one I needed them to matter to.

And now, echoes in my empty heart.

Echoes are all I have of your vibrant symphony.

Your song moved me, made me greater, lifted me up.

Without your song, I am merely a man. No longer great.

Greatness in me came from trying to catch your angel wings.

From standing on my roof, on the edge of my roof,

Staring down, and then looking up at you, floating above the world, my angel.

And your voice gave me the courage to step off.

Your face gave me the power to fly towards you.

Now your voice has died, and your face is hidden.

I fall to the ground, my wings broken.

My words. That which I hold Dearest to me, my Dearest.

My words that have never abandoned me, my voice.

Lies forgotten, or maybe even dead. I cannot find it anymore.

I said that which needed to be said to you. And my heart beated stronger for it.

Till it shattered like a broken dream. It is a broken dream.

A dream that can never be, one that shall forever float over me.

Beckoning me, with its smile and its warmth.

But my wings are broken, as is my voice, as is my soul.

My angel has left. All I can do is stare at the night sky,

Wondering if I could have said something, anything,

Whether I can still say something, anything, to bring her back,

But inside I know, she's gone. And acceptance is hard.

My voice was for her, my words were for her, and yet they failed.

And I cannot bring myself to hope they will never again.

This one is for you.

What I've Become

I wake up in the morning and try not to see

What has become of the man who was once me

A man ever strong, ever proud, ever free,

But now, a puppet I hang, my strings make me be,

To wake up each day and think only of you,

The pain of losing you fills my being.

Till all I am, is this wooden puppet.

And yet I hang, I smile.

I put on my mask, the mask that is me

The me everyone around me sees,

The one they assume me to be.

The  mask makes me no hero, no guardian

It imprisons me, clinging to me

I pull on my cape and make some try

To be the light, to soar, to fly

And yet I fall, I bleed.

I walk along beside you, glancing at you,

You turn around but still you don’t see,

You stare right through me,

A ghost I am, pale and cold,

A ghost to you, my world,

I stare at you, hoping to be heard,

But who can hear a spirit from another world?

And yet I wait, I whisper.

Goodbye you said to me once,

And from that day, The sky’s been dark

No sun, no moon, no stars for me

A statue I’ve become, the life fades from me,

A lifeless block of stone, with a face carved into me

My heart torn out, only granite is within me,

Who could love a block of stone? You, I’d hoped.

And yet I remain, I stare

All that you were to me is now worth nothing.

I to you, am nothing, you to me, are everything,

I would give anything to be with you again,

But how can I give anything, when all I am is a void,

A void devoid of joy, of happiness, of self.

Someone who is nothing, a mere remnant of someone

The one who was there for you, the one who loved you

And yet I live, I cry.

The Closed Window

I look in, not out

Of a place where I used to be,

A place of peace and warmth,

Now I stand outside the window

Shivering in the chill of the night,

The fire inside burning bright,

The fire I once started, once sat by,

I see it from the outside, I cry

A place where once there was a need of me,

A place which was once no place without me,

Where I spent my time with ones who wanted me,

People who looked forward to days with me,

Now I fight for them to spend days with me,

I beg them to want me,

A place that is only a place without me,

A place where they have no need of me.

I stand in the rain outside,

The rain pouring down, embracing my tears,

As I remember the embrace of the ones within,

The warmth of their eyes, as they looked at me,

Now the coldness of their gaze cuts just as deep

They wish I were somewhere else,

But I have nowhere else.

To run and hide, I stand and cry.

I look back on what that was,

How they were, and how I was,

I wonder in vain where I went wrong,

The past offers no answers, only questions

Ones I wish had never been asked,

I wonder if it were I who was wrong,

Whether even then, I could just not see,

That which was clear to see.

Now I look in, wishing for them to see

The me behind this sorrowful face,

The me that once was theirs,

The voice that I hide behind my silence,

A silence that speaks more of whats within that anything else,

I know they see, I wish they hear,

But what can they do, the windows still closed,

And shall ever be, to keep out the cold.

The windows closed, but now I see,

My reflection on the glass, looking in at me.

I tear my eyes from that pale shade and look around.

I am inside where it is warm, the fire burns beside me.

My reflection shivers in the glass, the cold outside,

But I am where I always was, inside.

My eyes widen as I realize my mistake,

I close them, a breath I take.

So quick was I to self-pity,

To run and beg for sympathy.

The gazes were never cold, nor was I never needed,

The window was not around them, but me instead.

The window closed to keep out the cold,

But instead it was keeping in the cold.

I open it now, the air flows in, bringing warmth, joy,

The cold gaze was always mine, never theirs.

The window is open now, and shall always be,

The warmth of the room clear for me to see,

The place I thought I was never again to be,

Seems vibrant, joyous to me,

I look into their eyes, and I feel their love,

But there is a task left to do.

I walk over to the window, where my reflection gazes in,

I smile, and it smiles back at me.

Let Go

What does it mean to let go? Does it mean to abandon, to forget, to act like something never existed? Or does it mean to accept something so fully, To understand it so deeply, to believe in it so much, that you realize that its better off without you?

Letting go of the past is one thing. You cant abandon it and you may think you've forgotten it, but you haven't really. Why would one want to forget who one is, because ultimately, where you are, who you are, why you are, is entirely because of your past. The decisions you made, the decisions that were made for you, the people you met, the people you didn't, the risks you took, and the ones you deemed too risky. You've made your past, and through your past, you've made your present, and this present gives you the platform to build your future. There is no meaning to letting go of all of this, if you believe letting go is, just letting go. To truly let go of your past, to be rid of the weight it carries, the burden it places on your shoulders, the expectations that arise from it, so that you may have a present that is not merely an echo of the past, is to accept the past in its entirety. With no excuses, and no justifications, look back on what you've done, the mistakes you've made, but never regret them for a moment. There are no do-overs in life, and wishing there were is just a waste of time. Grasp your past and realize what is is you've done, the decisions you made out of emotion, or pride, and how they've shaped your life. Think how your life may have been different had you thought differently, but never dwell on what could have been, because that can never be. The sooner you accept your past with no reservations, and no regrets, then and only then have you let go of it.

Letting go of a person is incredibly more difficult than letting go of the past. For one, its not something of yours that you're giving away. Its someone else. Someone who means the world to you, because its only such people that you would want to let go off. I know that sounds paradoxical, but think of this. If it were someone who didn't mean much to you at all, and you said goodbye, then thats all there is to it. Sure you'd feel sad for a while perhaps, but the void of something that was there, that is no longer there wouldn't eat you up form within. You wouldn't flagellate yourself believing that finally I have let my ego get the better of me. Thats why letting go of a persons harder. When you let go of the past, you're satisfying your ego. In the process, yes you bruise it and batter it, when you take the blame for your mistakes and your decisions, but the ultimate purpose is to make yourself happy, or at least happier than you were. But to let go off a friend, you have to curb your ego. You have to stomach your pride. You accept that they are better off without you. Without you introducing doubts and uncertainties into their life, without you putting compulsions on them, and how they should be. To do that, takes a strong will, and true love towards the person you're letting go of.

Afterwards, when its all said and done, when the void within has slowly started to recover, when you get used to the phantom pain of something that was there but is no longer there, nor will ever be there again, you can only hope that the one you let go off, is truly happier, and that you have made the right choice. And then as you sit thinking back over the past, how you were, how you are now, and the future that should have been, but will now not be, you let go of that feeling as well.

But as with everything worth anything, easier said than done...

Reflection

I look into a mirror, the mirror on my wall,

I see shoulders slumped in defeat,

I see eyes desperate for a retreat

Into myself, where I am safe,

Me demons cannot pursue me here,

My other self shows real fear,

And in his eyes, my eyes I see,

A longing, a desire to be free.

I look into a mirror, the mirror of my friends,

I wonder what they see,

As they stare back at me,

A man of arrogance, a man too proud,

Someone they'd rather lose in a crowd,

Very few among them know,

How my true feelings flow,

I wonder what they see,

Their eyes bore right through me.

I look into a mirror, the mirror of the world,

People I know merely by a glance,

Others I wish, to meet, I had a chance,

All of them they look at me,

Some, like, others hate what they see,

They see a man too vain, too cruel,

A man ever eager to fight a duel,

Someone who wont back down till the win,

No matter the cost, he must win,

That is what they see as they stare,

None of them even care,

To see the real me, the one I hide,

My light, or maybe, darker side,

How can I blame them, I give them just cause,

I wish they knew though, everyone has flaws

I look into a mirror, the mirror of my heart,

The one within which noone sees,

The reflection no man can seize

The only me I ever want to be,

The one I want everyone to see,

But he is hidden deep within,

Safe from the world, he lays within,

Crying with every breath I take,

Every change I make for the world's sake,

All I want is for him to stop his tears,

For the world to overcome its fears,

And embrace the one within, my true self,

How can they, when I haven't, myself.

Something I wrote as a post, that is, right now, unlike my other works, which were written much earlier than when I posted them. A much more personal poem, and I know some people who might appreciate its honesty...